Codzienność

Kochać bardziej

Marzena

 

Pamiętam z dzieciństwa, jak próbowałam wydusić z mamy jedną, dla mnie wtedy najważniejszą, odpowiedź:

– Kogo z nas kochasz najbardziej?

Szybko dołączała się do mnie młodsza siostra i jeden, niewiele starszy, brat.

– No kogo???? Mnie? Powiedz, że mnie!

– Wcale, że nie! Mnie kocha mamusia najbardziej!

– Jesteś guuuuupia! Mnie!

Wyobrażam sobie, jak trudno musiało być mamie zachować „zimną krew”, gdy tak toczyliśmy walkę słowną o pierwszeństwo w jej kochaniu. Pamiętam, jak mówiła (gdy w końcu daliśmy jej trochę ciszy).

– Wszystkich kocham jednakowo.

Na chwilę zapadała cisza, jednak taka odpowiedź nie satysfakcjonowała żadnego z nas, więc znów wracaliśmy do wykrzykiwania:

–Mnie, mnie najbardziej, bo jestem najmłodsza!

– Guuupia jesteś, wcale nie bo mnie – jestem chłopakiem i sam już wiążę buty!

Do dzisiaj pamiętam te nasze kłótnie i notoryczne pytanie o rangę matczynej miłości w stosunku do każdego z nas. 

 

Któregoś wieczora przyszedł taki moment, gdy mama ucięła nasze kłótnie. Miałam może dziewięć lat, dokładnie nie pamiętam. 

– Każdego z was kocham tak samo ale każdego na swój sposób. 

Musiała nam to dokładnie wyjaśnić, inaczej nigdy nie umilkłyby nasze „dlaczego”.

– Każdego kocham na swój sposób, ponieważ każdy z was jest inny i każdy potrzebuje trochę innego kochania, takiego kochania w sam raz, szytego na miarę. 

 

Od tamtego jesiennego wieczoru w domu rodzinnym minęło ponad trzydzieści lat. Moja mama, jak każdy rodzic, popełniła mnóstwo większych i mniejszych błędów. Była też sprawczynią wielu cudów w mojej dziecięcej codzienności. Była tak heroiczna, jak i słaba. Była człowiekiem. Jednak nigdy nie zapomnę uczciwości jej słów o kochaniu nas, jej dzieci. Miała rację, każdą żywą istotę kochamy inną miłością. Skrojoną na jego miarę. Niezależnie od tego, czy są to członkowie naszej rodziny, przyjaciele czy zwierzęta. 

 

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