Wyobraźcie sobie kobietę…

 

Wyobraźcie sobie kobietę. Siedzi przy kuchennym stole. Wokół lekki rozgardiasz. Jest w trakcie gotowania obiadu. Za dwie godziny odbierze młodsze dzieci z przedszkola. Od męża, z którym pcha wózek zwany „życiem” od prawie dwunastu lat, dostała właśnie wiadomość tekstową. Jej treść sprawia, że kobieta zastyga w bezruchu. Brzmi ona następująco: „Nie wracam do domu. Chcę rozwodu”.

Kobieta nie płacze. Gdy mija chwila zaskoczenia, nie czuje nawet złości. Nic nie czuje. Przez ostatnie dwanaście lat była matką trójki dzieci, ich kucharką, sprzątaczką i jak najlepszą żoną dla swojego męża. Przez pierwsze lata bardzo tęskniła za swoją pracą. Lubiła ją, uwielbiała ten pęd, dynamikę ubiegających godzin, problemy, które rozwiązywała kilkoma rozmowami telefonicznymi. Czuła się wtedy taka sprawcza. Uwielbiała nawet te cholerne wysokie szpilki, po których wieczorami cierpły jej łydki.

Potem spotkała Jego. Zakochała się, zaszła w ciążę, a szpilki zastąpiły wygodne trampki. Pierwsze dziecko to był jej własny cud. Całowała ślady jego małych stópek. Gdy dwa lata później znowu zaszła w ciążę, zamiast szczęścia czuła zagubienie. Wizja powrotu w dobrze znane tryby pracy zawodowej oddaliła się tak bardzo, że na myśl o niej, wybuchała płaczem.

To hormony.

Mąż, o ile był w domu (co zdarzało się coraz rzadziej), pocieszał ją, jak umiał. Zaczął jeszcze więcej pracować, kolejne dziecko niosło większe wyzwania finansowe.

Po drugim porodzie bardzo pilnowała antykoncepcji. Aż do tamtej sylwestrowej nocy, gdy tak bardzo na niego nakrzyczała, że już nie chce być w domu, że czuje się jak niewolnica. Na pogodzenie wylądowali w łóżku. Z seksu, którego nawet dobrze obydwoje nie pamiętali, na świat przyszło trzecie dziecko, rok po drugim. Wtedy głośno wszystkim obwieściła, że nie zamierza wracać do pracy zawodowej. Stać ich było na to, mąż został wspólnikiem w niewielkiej, coraz lepiej prosperującej firmie.

Jej życie, każda chwila, było dokładnie zaplanowane. Zawsze potrzeby dzieci były najważniejsze. Gdy nagle robiła coś dla siebie np. wypad z siostrą na kilka godzin do pobliskiego SPA, długo miała po tym wyrzuty sumienia. W końcu dzieci i dom to jej praca. Nie lubiła zostawiać rodziny nawet na kilka godzin.

Wszystko toczyło się gładko, dzieci były zdrowe, mąż rozwijał firmę, często wyjeżdżał, a ona – cieszyła się życiem bliskich. Seks odszedł w zapomnienie tak jak kaloryfer na brzuchu męża zastąpiony, nie wiadomo kiedy, miękkim brzuchem. Tłumaczyła sobie, że inne sprawy są ważniejsze. Gdy on przestał ją przytulać i mówić do niej pieszczotliwie „Pysiu” uznała, że zwyczajnie z takich głupot się wyrasta. W końcu nie są już dwudziestolatkami, żeby się ściskać przy byle okazji i wyznawać głośno miłość.  Lubiła spać z najmłodszymi dziećmi i robiła to tak długo, jak tylko mogła. Mąż chrapał (pewnie przez ten brzuch) i zasypiał z laptopem w łóżku. Uważała, że ma dobre życie, jak wszyscy. Dzieci i praca są najważniejsze, prawda?

Za trzy miesiące mieli obchodzić dwunastą rocznicę ślubu. Planowali obiad dla rodziny, który ona miała przyrządzić, „w końcu i tak jesteś w domu”, rzucił mąż. Dlaczego nie? Zgodziła się, nie lubiła wydawać niepotrzebnie pieniędzy. Przez tę swoją oszczędność po domu chodziła w koszulkach jeszcze z okresu ostatniej ciąży.

Dzieciom podobać się nie muszę.

Mówiła siostrze, gdy ta kazała jej wyrzucić sprane ciuchy.

 

Kobieta wciąż siedzi w kuchni. Na stole lekki rozgardiasz. Telefon leży w jej dłoni. Dwa zdania: „Nie wracam do domu. Chcę rozwodu”. I już? Koniec? Dlaczego nic nie czuje? Kiedy przestała czuć? Nie płacze. Jej dusza jest jak ścierpnięta dłoń. Dociera do niej świadomość, że nie czuje nawet smutku. Nic nie czuje.

 

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