Szukając dorodnej, czerwonej papryki spędziłam kilka minut w miejscowym sklepiku. Za mną stanęła młoda kobieta. Rozmawiała z kimś głośno przez telefon.
– Wczoraj znowu grał do trzeciej!
Na początku założyłam, że bohaterem utyskiwań jest syn nieznajomej. Z błędu wyprowadziło mnie jedno zdanie:
– Ja wiem, że to już sześć lat po ślubie ale czasami to mógłby sobie przypomnieć, że ma żonę!
Kilka godzin później odebrałam wiadomość na komunikatorze od starej znajomej. Znowu miała kryzys w związku. Napisałam „znowu”, ponieważ jej tegoroczny, wakacyjny wyjazd z mężem zakończył się ich osobnym powrotem do domu. Słoneczna plaża nie zadziałała, jak lek na emocjonalne i fizyczne oddalenie się od siebie.
– Ja już mam dość jego obojętności! Czy to jest normalne, żeby traktował mnie, jak powietrze i jeszcze mówi, że ja też go zlewam po całości! Jasne, mam błagać księciunia o jego cenną uwagę!
Zastanawialiście się, dlaczego na początku miłości z taką naturalnością przychodzi wszystkim troska o ukochaną/ukochanego, wyrozumiałość (zdająca się często nie mieć granic) i okazywanie uczuć? To proste, dzięki obficie wydzielanym hormonom szczęścia tracimy pancerz ochronny, jakim otaczamy się, żeby „świat” nie miał zbyt łatwego do nas dostępu, żeby nas nie skrzywdził. Para świeżo zakochanych ludzi nie kryje swoich emocji, kocha i pozwala się kochać się bez zahamowań. W repertuarze zakochanych znajdziemy mnóstwo fizycznej czułości, jak i werbalnych oznak oddania. Starają się oni być jak najlepszymi wersjami samych siebie dla obiektu swojej atencji. Każdy, kto oddaje swoje serce drugiej osobie jest przekonany, że teraz już, tak po prostu, „będą żyli długo i szczęśliwie”.
Miłość, jak wszystko, zmienia się. Ten, kto to zrozumie, będzie miał swoje „żyli długo i szczęśliwie”. W przypadku relacji w związku doskonale sprawdza się powiedzenie: ”Kto stoi w miejscu, ten się cofa”. Zakochaliście się, to cudowne uczucie zwala niemal z nóg, prawda? Uważacie, że on/ona jest chodzącym ósmym cudem świata. Cudownie. Ciąg dalszy jest naturalny – zakochani planują wspólne życie, zamieszkują ze sobą („na kocią łapę”, z błogosławieństwem czczonego przez młodych Boga czy też „na papierek z urzędu”, jak kto woli), na ogół w bliższej lub dalszej perspektywie pojawiają się dzieci. Codzienność wymusza na parze określone działania i ich rytm. Mijają lata. Miłość, która zawsze miała uskrzydlać, wydaje się tylko wspomnieniem. Ona nie pamięta, kiedy on ją przytulił i spytał, dlaczego dzisiaj jest smutna. On, słysząc jej głos, spodziewa się tylko litanii wymówek podszytych niezrozumiałym dla niego żalem. Obydwoje czują wobec siebie przede wszystkim zniechęcenie. Co się stało z ich soczystą, pełną bliskości i intymności miłością?
Co? Życie pary rwie do przodu, a ona, ich miłość, została daleko w tyle. Nie za bardzo pasuje do domu pełnego małych dzieci, rozgardiaszu, do ciągłego braku czasu. Nikt o niej nie pomyślał, gdy nadchodziły zmiany, nikt o nią nie zadbał, żeby mogła – krok po kroku – zmieniać się razem z ludźmi.
Znajomej poradziłam jedną rzecz. Poprosiłam ją, żeby była zmianą, jaką chce widzieć w swoim partnerze. Skoro tak bardzo pragnie bliskości jego ramion niech sama go przytula. Jeżeli brakuje jej jego „Jak minął ci dzień”, niech sama zadaje mu to pytanie i uważnie słucha jego odpowiedzi. Lubi dostawać od niego kwiaty? Niech mu to powie, wprost, jak nie zapamięta, niech powtórzy tyle razy, żeby dotarło. Poradziłam jej, żeby przestała udawać taką twardzielkę, żeby, gdy coś ją zaboli emocjonalnie głośno mu to powiedziała: „To mnie zabolało”.
Naprawdę sądzę, że kombinowanie, manipulowanie to prosta droga do końca związku, ludzkich relacji. Jeżeli kogoś kochamy, to mówmy mu o tym. Nie czekajmy, aż on to zrobi pierwszy. Miłość to nie zawody, ani zapasy emocjonalne. W miłości nie chodzi o rywalizację, o to, „czyje na wierzchu”. Krzywda jednego jest krzywdą drugiego. Gdy dajemy szczęście ukochanemu/ukochanej sami czynimy się szczęśliwszymi. To bardzo proste. Należy przestać myśleć o miłości, jak o inwestycji. Obdarowujmy nie licząc na „zyski”. One same do nas przyjdą, zobaczycie. Bądźmy zmianą, którą chcemy widzieć w ukochanym.
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Mój pierwszy mąż był do niczego.Wtedy nie było gier jego pochłaniali koledzy i jego rodzina. Nie potrafiłam mu wybaczyć że nie jestem najważniejsza mimo dzieci i całego syfu który był na mojej głowie gdy on zabawiał się z bratem w spelunach. Dzisiaj wiem że poświęcanie się do była moja największa głupota to tylko pozwalała im mnie upokarzać. Nie umiałam wybaczyć tego upokarzania i odeszłam. Dla mojej obecnej partnerki zrobiłabym wszystko bo ją kocham i ona mnie szanuje.