Na ekranie telewizora widzę zbliżenie okrągłej, dziecięcej twarzy. Jestem zaspana, zegar na ścianie pokazuje prawie czwartą nad ranem. Przecieram oczy, sądząc, że jeszcze śnię.
– Ja chcę do mamy!*
Głośny płacz na dobre budzi mnie z krótkiego, niespokojnego snu. Rozglądam się dookoła siebie. Leżę na kanapie, w grubym szlafroku i ręcznikowym turbanie na wilgotnych włosach.
– Kate, jesteś niegrzeczna, musisz szybko się przebrać.
Dziecięcy płacz przechodzi w spazmatyczny, rozpaczliwy szloch.
– Ale ja chcę już do domu!
Szukam pilota od telewizora. Muszę ściszyć dźwięk, rozpacz w głosie małej dziewczynki robi niemal fizyczną dziurę w moim brzuchu.
– Kate, bądź moją grzeczną dziewczynką.
Jakaś młoda kobieta podchodzi do dziewczynki, która na jej widok zaczyna płakać jeszcze głośniej.
– Zmaże cały makijaż!
Młoda kobieta kuca przy dziecku i przykłada papierowe chusteczki pod jej oczy. Gdy płacz dziewczynki cichnie, dwie kobiety sprawnie wciskają ją w mini sukienkę, której dół zdobią cekiny oraz kolorowe pióra.
– No, już nie płaczemy, bo mama będzie na ciebie zła i smutna, jak zniszczysz ten piękny makijaż.
Młoda kobieta sprawdza każdy detal ubioru małej. Z wyrazem zadowolenia na twarzy rzuca w stronę towarzyszącej im kamery:
– Moja Kate jest najpiękniejszą dziewczynką na świecie, jest moją małą księżniczką,a ja jestem bardzo dumną mamą!
Na twarz młodej kobiety wpływa rumieniec zadowolenia. Dziewczynka, ze spuszczoną głową, bez słowa protestu, tuli się do rozłożystego uda matki.
Znajduję pilota i sprawdzam, z którego roku jest emitowany program. Dwa tysiące siedemnasty. Nie wyłączam odbiornika telewizyjnego. Bezwolnie towarzyszę emocjonalnie małej dziewczynce do końca konkursu piękności. Oprócz frywolnej mini sukienki, która właściwie nie zakrywa jej dziecięcych majteczek, mała pokazuje na scenie jeszcze strój kowbojki. W jego skład wchodzą kuse szorty i mini kamizelka, która odsłania dziecięcy pępek. Na koniec dziewczynka wciśnięta jest w strój „rozpustnej” damy, czyli niby balową sukienkę z gołymi plecami i kilkoma rozporkami prowadzącymi do miejsca, gdzie kiedyś wykształcą się jej krągłe, kobiece biodra.
W konkursie piękności biorą udział dzieci w różnych grupach wiekowych. Kate należy chyba do tej najmłodszej, ma zaledwie cztery lata. Za każdym razem, gdy widzę kolejną, przebraną za dorosłą „rozpustną” kobietę kilkuletnią dziewczynkę, czuję, jak niewidzialna pięść uderza w mój brzuch. W oczach tych małych, niewinnych ludzi nie znajduję radości, ich usta wykrzywia marna imitacja uśmiechu. Wyuczone kroki, obroty i podskoki nie wyglądają jak taniec. To tylko ruchy pacynki, którą poruszają dziwne, okrutne w swojej odsłonie, ambicje dorosłych kobiet.
Kamera pokazuje matki, które z rumieńcami na krągłych twarzach i ogniem rywalizacji w oczach, obserwują występy swoich pociech. Ich pełne komizmu ruchy na widowni, w trakcie dziecięcych pokazów, nie budzą w nikim zdziwienia. Każdy cyrk ma swoje małpy i nie są nimi, z całą pewnością, bezbronne, nieszczęśliwe, małe dziewczynki na scenie.
Gdy kończą się wszystkie konkurencje, następuje czas przyznawania nagród. Małe dziewczynki nie znają ich wartości. To matki zalewają się łzami, gdy ich dziecko nie dostaje takiej nagrody, jaką – zdaniem rodzicielki- powinno dostać.
Nieświadoma swojej przegranej dziewczynka schodzi ze sceny z nagrodą pocieszenia. Jest bardzo zadowolona, bo wszystkie rozdawane fanty są niezwykle błyszczące.
–Patrz mamo, dostałam koronę! Jestem królową świata!
-Jaka ty jesteś głupiutka, przecież przegrałaś, Kate!
Kamera przybliża twarz młodej kobiety.
– To niesprawiedliwe, że moja Kate nie dostała głównej nagrody! Nawet sobie nie zdaje sprawy, jak ją tu dzisiaj skrzywdzono! Mogła się bardziej postarać, ja wiem, że się wtedy zagapiła, potknęła, raz pomyliła kroki ale proszę zobaczyć, ile ona ma wdzięku!
Kamera przybliża twarz dziewczynki, której zaczyna drżeć podbródek. Mija sekunda i mała wybucha cichutkim płaczem. Wtula się w obfite piersi matki, całym jej drobnym, czteroletnim ciałem wstrząsają spazmy rozpaczy.
– Nie płacz. Musisz się bardziej starać, Kate, a nie ciągle płakać. Pokażemy im następnym razem, kto jest najlepszy!
Ostatnie chwile dokumentu pokazują małą Kate. Zdjęto jej perukę, odklejono wielkie sztuczne rzęsy, wyjęto nakładkę na zęby. Siedzi ubrana w długą, luźną koszulkę. Tuli małego misia. Nachyla twarz w stronę kamery i cichutko szepce:
–Wiesz, ja przegrałam i mama płakała. I to wszystko przeze mnie.
Kiwa małą główką, w przód i w tył,w przód i w tył…
Zegar pokazuje czwartą trzydzieści pięć nad ranem. Wyłączam telewizor i siedzę w ciemności pokoju. Nie znajduję żadnych słów. Łzy łaskawie chłodzą moją twarz. „Tak nie powinno być”, myślę, a potem głośno powtarzam te słowa:
-Tak nie powinno być… Tak nie powinno być… Tak nie powinno być!
Czuję się taka bezsilna.
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