Już za chwilę, mgnienie oka, wskazówka mojego życiowego zegara przeskoczy kolejny rok. Grudzień to dla mnie szczególny czas. To wtedy nasila się moja skłonność do słodko – gorzkiej melancholii.
Kim jestem? Czego pragnę w życiu? Czy jestem spełniona? Czy starczy mi czasu na to, co ważne? Czy potrafię być szczęśliwa? Czym jest szczęście? Czym jest dobro i zło?
Ech, kiedy była bardzo, bardzo młoda zakładałam, że z czasem będzie ubywać tych egzystencjalnych pytań. Słodka naiwność 🙂 Okazało się, że z życiem jest tak, jak z wiedzą – im więcej wiem, tym wiem, że tak niewiele jeszcze wiem… A czas biegnie tak szybko. Naprawdę nie zauważyłam, kiedy minęły te wszystkie ubiegłe lata. Były tak bardzo ważne, tak pełne emocji i zdarzeń, zwrotów akcji, jakich nie powstydziłby się solidny pisarz thrillerów. Mimo tego, kiedy na chwilę zatrzymuję się w życiowym biegu, trudno mi uwierzyć, że aż tyle zostawiłam już za sobą. Wspomnienia potrafią ciążyć, jak nic na tym świecie, jednak mają one również inną cechę – budzą ciekawość i głód tego, co jeszcze przede mną. Moja przeszłość i przyszłość cudownie łączy się w moim „tu i teraz”. To czysta, życiowa magia.
Nigdy nie przywiązywałam wagi do wieku. Moim zdaniem to nie PESEL określa nas, jako ludzi. Z wiekiem przybywa nam doświadczeń, jednak często nie jest to jednoznaczne z mnożeniem się naszej mądrości. Świat jest pełen głupich „starców” oraz mądrych” młokosów” – niestety, ale i na szczęście. Złożoność świata, złożoność każdego człowieka, każdej istoty od zawsze mnie zachwyca. Dlatego ludzi dzielę tylko w jeden sposób – na dobrych i złych. Dobry jest ten, kto czyni dobro, natomiast złym ten, kto czyni zło. Nie jest to żadnym uproszczeniem, ani pójściem na łatwiznę. Nigdy nie brałam pod uwagę tego, jakiego koloru jest skóra człowieka, który staje na mojej życiowej drodze, z kim ten człowiek sypia, czy jaką religię wyznaje. To nieistotne szczegóły, ot, detale, które nie pokazują sedna spotkanego człowieka. Dlatego dla mnie ważne jest tylko to, czy ktoś jest dobry, czy zły.
Czas tak szybko biegnie, czasami łapię samą siebie na strachu z tego powodu. Tyle rzeczy jest dla mnie w życiu ważnych… Moje pasje, moja miłość, porywy serca. Serca, które wciąż nie może zrozumieć, dlaczego inni nie czują, że komuś właśnie dzieje się największa krzywda na świecie :/ Kiedy już umiem odpowiedzieć sobie na pytanie o istotę dobra, rozumiem także, co jest źródłem zła. Obojętność. To ona daje przyzwolenie na dzianie się krzywdy bezbronnych, słabszych, tych, którzy przyszli na świat w „gorszych” częściach świata. To z obojętności większości rodzi się cierpienie maltretowanych dzieci, starców, zwierząt. Obojętność jest największym wrogiem naszego życia, naszej codzienności – największym i najgroźniejszym destruktorem całego świata.
Czuję, że mam przed sobą jeszcze długą drogę. Szukam, uczę się, upadam i wstaję, popełniam błędy, po czym naprawiam je (najlepiej, jak potrafię) z nadzieją, że ten jeden raz wystarczy, żebym za jakiś czas znowu ich nie powieliła. Czuję, że rośnie we mnie odwaga. To daje mi nadzieję. Nie na to, że poznam odpowiedzi na wszystkie moje pytania. To daje mi nadzieję na to, że gdy po raz kolejny stanę przed życiowym zakrętem, nie cofnę się, nie zawaham, nie stracę kolejnej szansy. Wykorzystam moc tego, co było i tego, co dopiero będzie, żeby uczynić moje „tu i teraz” lepszym.
Prawda jest taka, że liczy się tylko teraźniejszość. Ta, która była dwadzieścia lat temu, tak samo, jak ta, która nastanie za kolejne dziesięciolecia. Życiowa mądrość każe mi o tym sobie przypominać, zarówno wtedy, gdy nagle opada mnie strach przed „jutrem”, czy też w takich chwilach, gdy doganiają mnie traumy przeszłości. Liczy się tylko „tu i teraz”. Na szczęście coraz rzadziej zapominam o tym, że przeszłość to lekcje, a przyszłość to nadzieja. Właśnie dzięki temu rośnie we mnie odwaga. Odwaga, która pozwala mi zrozumieć ważność „tu i teraz”.
Kiedyś myślałam, że szczęście to tylko chwile, nic ponad to. Dzisiaj wiem, że to nieprawda, że to tylko wielokrotnie potarzana bzdura, w którą – jak większość ludzi – bezrefleksyjnie uwierzyłam. Czym jest szczęście? To sposób, w jaki odbieram moją teraźniejszość. Nie chcę żyć w lęku przed nieznanym jutrem, ani bić się w nieskończoność z demonami przeszłości. Szkoda moich sił na walkę z wiatrakami. Świadomie wybieram szczęście. Czuję, że to bardzo dobry wybór.
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