Idą święta

 

Idą święta. Widzę coraz więcej połyskujących na tle śniegu lampek. Wczoraj, gdy wieczorem, na spacerze z psem, przemierzałam wiejskie drogi, przez okna wielu domów wyglądały błyszczące, piękne choinki.

 Idą święta.

Patrzę przez okno. Na tle bieli chodnika wyraźnie odcina się ciemna, męska, zgarbiona postać. Znam tę twarz w kolorze bordo, zniszczoną przez lata nadużywania tanich alkoholi, wieki smutku po wielkiej stracie i bezgraniczną, codzienną, samotność. Czasami widuję ją kilka razy dziennie, gdy idzie przed siebie mocnym, równym krokiem.  Gdzie się tak spieszy? Czego tak uporczywie szuka?

Idą święta.

Ciemna postać mężczyzny przemierza okoliczne chodniki i ścieżki. Niestrudzenie, wielokrotnie, powtarzalnie do obłędu. Z jego ust buchają kłęby pary. Twarz niknie w cieniu za dużej czapki. Tylko ten nos, wielki, orli nos, wystaje zupełnie bezbronny.

Idą święta.

Pamiętam moje przypadkowe, a jednak liczne rozmowy z nieznajomym. Nadzieję, że tym razem – tak, na pewno tym razem ! – jego dzieci przyjadą na święta do domu. Rodzinnego, dużego domu, który straszy zimnem i pustką.

Idą święta.

Wczoraj wieczorem znowu go mijałam na chodniku.

– Dobry wieczór!

Zawsze się do niego uśmiecham. Lubię go. Jest bezbronny. Jest samotny. Jedyne, co mu zostało, to wiara, że tym razem, w te święta, dzieci na pewno przyjadą do domu, do niego. Jak co roku słyszę nieskrywaną radość w jego ochrypłym głosie, gdy obwieszcza mi, że i on szykuje się do świąt, które – tym razem na pewno! – będą wyjątkowe.

– A wnuczek tak lubi biegać po podwórku. Tyle ma radości i z dziadkiem do sklepu chodzi.

Słowa nieznajomego ściskają moje gardło. Wiem, że nigdy żaden wnuczek nie biegał po jego podwórku. Wiem, że on od zawsze na tego ukochanego, wytęsknionego wnuczka czeka.

 

Idą święta.

Wieczorem znowu zamienię kilka słów z nieznajomym. Jest mróz, nie poczuję zapachu zbyt rzadko pranych ciuchów. Odór alkoholu nie zaatakuje mojego nosa z taką bezczelnością, jak w ciepłe miesiące. Jeżeli nasza zdawkowa rozmowa przebiegnie w świetle którejś z ulicznych lamp, zobaczę oczy nieznajomego. I zapamiętam ich wyraz na cały następny rok.

Idą święta.

 Czas nadziei. Nadziei na co? To nie jest istotne. Z dnia na dzień rośnie w nas dziecięca ekscytacja, która wraz z dorosłym zmęczeniem często tworzy wybuchowy koktajl. Wszystko mija. Ta życiowa prawidłowość to zarówno kara, jak i wielka łaska. Dzisiaj, teraz, chwytajmy ulotne chwile i emocje. Żyjmy.

Idą święta.

Każda rodzina coraz bardziej zanurza się w swoje coroczne tradycje. Tyle pracy, tyle przyjemności  – wszystko finalnie pięknie się zrównoważy, jak co roku. Błysk nadziei w oczach nieznajomego zgaśnie, też jak co roku. Nic nie trwa wiecznie. Na szczęście.

Idą święta.

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