Kilka dni temu minęły moje kolejne urodziny. Późnym wieczorem, naga, stanęłam przed lustrem. Nie jestem pruderyjna. Bardzo dobrze znam swoje ciało. Widziałam jego nagie odbicie w każdym domowym lustrze. Bardzo wcześnie zrozumiałam, poczułam, że moje ciało i psychika stanowią nierozerwalną jedność. Ta wiedza obezwładniła fałszywy wstyd, dzięki czemu mogłam lepiej poznawać samą siebie.
Moje ciało jest źródłem radości, jak i cierpień. Tak się niefortunnie złożyło, że ostatnie dziewięć lat zdominowały cierpienia. Stojąc nago przed lustrem, pomyślałam przez chwilę o minionym, trudnym czasie. Mój wzrok skupił się na prawej ręce. Tej, którą tak bardzo kiedyś znienawidziłam. Za to, że nie słuchała mojej głowy, że uporczywie ignorowała moje wysiłki, moją pracę i pracę tylu ludzi. Za nieprzespane noce, za długie godziny pełne bólu, który doprowadzał mnie do szaleństwa, zwierzęcego skowytu i desperacji.
Rozczarowała mnie moja własna, prawa ręka. Przyszedł taki dzień, kolejny, trudny dzień, że wyrzekłam się jej, zaczęłam traktować, jak wroga, pasożyta, który zabiera mi siłę, zdrowie i kobiecość. Kiedyś tak bardzo jej nienawidziłam, że byłam gotowa na straszne, ostateczne rozwiązania.
Mijały kolejne lata. Z czasem rozdeptałam „niewygodne buty”, jakie sprawiło mi życie i dzisiaj ta moja nienawiść coraz częściej rozpływa się w miłości. Ból nie znika, nie odchodzi w niepamięć, jak zły sen. Jest realny, jak moje łzy, jak mój śmiech tak często płynący z bezradności.
W wieczór moich urodzin stałam naga przed lustrem. Patrzyłam z troską na moją prawą rękę. Znam każdy centymetr jej skóry, każdy pieprzyk i każdą pulsującą pod delikatną, cienką skórą, żyłkę. Ktoś kiedyś nauczył mnie odczuwać do niej czułość, jak do chorego dziecka. W końcu dotarło do mnie, że to moja ręka i innej mieć nie będę. Nauczyłam się ją kochać, po raz drugi w życiu. W porównaniu do tej pierwszej miłości – zbudowanej na zachwycie i pewności, że doskonałość płynąca z żelaznego zdrowia, siły, nigdy nie minie – ta druga była miłością znacznie dojrzalszą. Taką, gdy kocha się pomimo wad. Pokochałam moją nieidealną prawą rękę, a co za tym idzie przestałam udawać przed samą sobą, że nie jest już ona częścią mojej cielesności. Znowu stałam się całością.
Wieczorem, w dniu moich urodzin, stałam naga przed lustrem. Pojedyncze krople wody błyszczały zalotnie na mojej delikatnej skórze. Uśmiechnęłam się do CAŁEGO mojego ciała. Do mojej prawej ręki również. Jest częścią mnie, tak jak częścią mojej codzienności, mojego życia stał się ból, jaki nieprzerwanie w niej płonie. Kocham ją, mimo jej niedoskonałości. Dbam i troszczę się o to moje „najsłabsze ogniwo cielesności” z naturalnym pietyzmem. Jest bezwzględna, praca nad nią wymaga wielu trudnych, mozolnych zabiegów. Nie tylko moich. Doceniam nieliczne chwile, gdy ból staje się lżejszy, a niespodziewana ulga wypełnia moje żyły endorfinami.
Lubię patrzeć na moje ciało. Na nagą twarz bez kropli makijażu, na smukłą szyję, delikatne ramiona, ciekawskie sutki, na pozornie bezbronny brzuch, linię szczupłych bioder i mocne, kościste, odrobinę dziwnie wyglądające przy mojej eterycznej cielesności, „chłopskie” stopy, które uparcie i wiernie (na przekór nagłym, bolesnym losowym ciosom) nieustająco prowadzą mnie ku nieznanej przyszłości.
Lubię patrzeć na moje nagie ciało. To nie próżność. Nagość jest szczera. Odsłania wszystko, co dobre i złe. Każdą radość i każdy smutek. Jak te dwie maleńkie, pionowe kreski nad moją górną wargą. Wiem, skąd się tam wzięły. Ile jest w nich zapisanych zmartwień, ile tłumionego skowytu zrodzonego z bezdennej rozpaczy, ile nieustannego oddania płynącego z bezgranicznej miłości… Cieszą mnie linie biegnące z kącików moich dużych, błyszczących oczu. To nie są tylko zmarszczki. Tak wygląda ucieleśniona radość i głośny śmiech pięknie utrwalony na mapie mojej twarzy. Gdy dotykam palcem niewielkiego garbka na nosie słyszę chichot rodzeństwa, starszego brata oraz młodszej siostry, gdy razem, niekończącymi się godzinami, biegaliśmy po ubogim, wiejskim podwórku, szukając i znajdując tak wiele dziecięcych przygód. Jedna z nich przyozdobiła mój nos tym niewielkim garbkiem.
Znam swoje ciało. Kocham je. Nie zawsze jest to łatwa miłość. Może właśnie dzięki temu zrozumiałam, że stanowię doskonałą całość ze swoim ciałem, ja, Marzena, jako osobowość, i ja, Marzena, jako fizyczna postać. Jedyną w swoim rodzaju doskonałą niedoskonałość.
W wieczór swoich czterdziestych pierwszych urodzin stanęłam naga przed lustrem. Spojrzałam w bezbronną, zmęczoną kolejnym minionym dniem, twarz. Uśmiechnęłam się do swojego lustrzanego odbicia.
– Jesteś piękna.
Stałam sama przed lustrem. Nie było we mnie próżności. Tylko czysta radość. Radość z istnienia kogoś, kogo nauczyłam się kochać takim, jakim jest. Siebie samą.
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