Pewnego dnia, prawie trzydzieści lat temu, babcia opowiedziała mi historię tej kolędy. Tamtej zimy moja mama nie miała jeszcze sześciu lat. Czasy powojenne były bardzo trudne. Suchy chleb i czarna, gorzka kawa zbożowa stanowiły nieodłączny składnik codziennego jadłospisu biednych, wiejskich rodzin. Dziadek po wojennej pracy u „złego Niemca” nigdy nie odzyskał zdrowia. Na ramionach babci spoczywał obowiązek zapewnienia bytu całej rodzinie. Tamtego mroźnego stycznia w wynajmowanym mieszkaniu oprócz babci były jej trzy małe córki, w tym moja mama. Przez zaśnieżoną wieś w końcu i do nich saniami zajechał ksiądz.
– Dziewczynki wcześniej nauczyłam różnych modlitw, więc pięknie je po kolei wyrecytowały.*
Pamiętam uśmiech babci, gdy o tym mówiła – po tylu latach nadal była dumna ze swoich dzieci. Ksiądz uprzejmie wysłuchał przygotowanego dla niego występu, odmówił stosowne zaklęcia modlitwy, pokropił, pomruczał, coś zapisał w grubym zeszycie… W końcu nadszedł koniec jego wizyty. Wstał i zdziwionym spojrzeniem omiótł kuchenny stół.
– Wiedziałam, czego tam szuka. Milczałam i modliłam się w duchu, żeby już wyszedł.
Babcia stała wśród swoich dzieci, a ksiądz powoli zakładał płaszcz. W końcu przemówił.
– A gdzie datek dla kościoła?
Padło pytanie, którego babcia tak bardzo się obawiała:
– Nie mamy pieniędzy, naprawdę nie mamy.
Ksiądz omiótł kuchnię czujnym wzrokiem.
– Nic nie ma pani? Coś mi się wydaje, że mija się pani z prawdą.
Babcia podeszła do szuflady starego kredensu. Wyciągnęła z niego parę monet. Ich równowartość starczyłaby na trzy bochenki chleba. Włożyła monety do swojej dłoni i wyciągnęła ją w stronę duszpasterza.
– Tylko tyle, na trzy bochenki chleba. Nic więcej.
Jej ręka drżała, z nerwów i upokorzenia. Ksiądz spokojnie zabrał monety i już w swoich dłoniach dokładnie je przeliczył. Potem odłożył na wciąż wyciągniętą dłoń babci parę z nich. Na jeden bochenek chleba.
– Bóg zapłać.
Z tymi słowami duszpasterz opuścił ubogie progi domu mojej babci. Wraz nim odeszły dwa bochenki chleba.
– – –
Po opowiedzeniu tej historii babcia dłuższą chwilę milczała. W jej oczach lśniły łzy. Jedna z nich spłynęła po pobrużdżonym policzku, aż do zaciśniętych rozpaczliwie ust. Po dłuższej chwili powiedziała:
– Nie daj się dziecko ogłupić, nie daj. Dla mnie już za późno na takie zmiany, nie dałabym rady, ale przed tobą całe życie. Nie bój się samodzielnie myśleć, tylko wtedy będziesz naprawdę wolna. Myśl!
Pamiętam, jak drżał jej głos, gdy to do mówiła. I jej dłoń rozpaczliwie zaciśniętą na różańcu.
– Nie daj sobie wmówić, że masz cierpieć i że to cierpienie cię uszlachetnia, prowadzi do Boga. Myśl dziecko, myśl!
Moja babcia powtarzała, że starość nie jest zła, bo w końcu ma czas na czytanie powieści. Byłam wtedy nastolatką, a ona zgarbioną osiemdziesięciolatką. Babcia nigdy nie unikała ze mną, wtedy pełną buntu wobec zastanego świata dziewczynką, rozmów o życiu. Przeżyła dwie wojny światowe, jej pierwszy mąż, ofiara przypadkowej łapanki, trafił do krematorium w Austrii – do Mauthausen. Drugi mąż, a mój dziadek, został wywieziony na roboty do Bauera w Niemczech. Moja cudowna, uśmiechnięta, pogodna i tak dla mojej nastoletniej głupoty cierpliwa babcia dobrze poznała smak głodu, który zabiera wszystkie siły oraz nigdy nie kończącą się rozpacz.
Babcia odeszła, gdy miałam szesnaście lat. Mimo biegnącego czasu wciąż jest dla mnie autorytetem. Tak dobrze pamiętam jej pomarszczoną twarz, na której ciężkie życie zostawiło setki zmarszczek. Zawsze miała wokół siebie stosy książek i różaniec owinięty wokół cienkiego nadgarstka. Gdy pytałam, czemu go ciągle trzyma w dłoniach, mówiła:
– To przyzwyczajenie, dziecko. Nie umiem już bez tego żyć.
Uwielbiałam słuchać mojej babci. Jej głos był pełen ciepła i siły, zawsze dodawał mi otuchy. Opowiadała o czasach, gdy każde dziecko całowało upierścienioną dłoń księdza.
– Nie lubiłam tego, ale gdybym tego nie zrobiła, ojciec dałby mi lanie, przyniosłabym wstyd rodzinie. Raz się zbuntowałam i przez tydzień nie mogłam usiąść, tak mnie bolało po pasie.
Pamiętam swoje nastoletnie oburzenie na ten przymus całowania czyjejś dłoni oraz gniew na pychę tych, którzy uważali, że mają prawo do przyjmowania takich hołdów. Babcia spokojnie słuchała, jak głośno, nie zawsze w sposób kulturalny, artykułowałam swój sprzeciw wobec takiego poddaństwa. Mówiła:
– Tak po prostu było. Ludzie byli ciemni i tyle. Mój ojciec nie uważał, że robi mi krzywdę, gdy używał pasa. Tak robił jego ojciec i wszyscy przed nim. Nawet okrucieństwo staje się z czasem tradycją, gdy nikt nie zwątpi w jego zasadność. Wiesz, Marzenko, gdybym mogła jeszcze raz przeżyć swoje życie, nie zgięłabym karku przed żadnym z nich. Tak teraz sobie myślę, tak lubię sobie myśleć, że nie zgięłabym i już!**
Moja babcia, dzięki świadomości swojego mentalnego zniewolenia, dała mi szansę na życie bez kajdan sztucznych nakazów i reguł. Dzięki niej zrozumiałam, że każdy człowiek ma w sobie naturalną potrzebę dobra, z którą przychodzi na ten świat oraz pierwotne zrozumienie, czym jest zło. Babcia pokazała mi, ile pułapek czai się w słowie „tradycja”, słowie, którym tak wielu usiłowało i usiłuje czynić sobie innych ludzi poddanymi. Dzięki niej zrozumiałam piękno idei i szkaradę ideologii. To moja babcia dała mi klucz do wolności. Klucz, którym jest odwaga do samodzielnego myślenia.
P.S. Dzięki Tobie, babciu, dzielę się swoim chlebem z tymi, którzy go naprawdę potrzebują.
*Wypowiedzi babci są rekonstrukcją, nie cytatami. Mam dobrą pamięć, ale nie aż tak dobrą.
**Podkreślone zdania to jedyny bezpośredni cytat. Pamiętam zapał, z jakim babcia wypowiadała te słowa i ten przekorny błysk w jej oczach 🙂
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