Wstyd G.

 

 

Moja znajoma nie wiedziała, czy chce zostać w przyszłości matką. Poznałam ją jako wesołą dwudziestolatkę, studentkę, dziewczynę pełną ognia i kapitalnego poczucia humoru. Gdy wchodziła do pomieszczenia robiło się w nim jakby jaśniej i każdy czekał, aż G. zacznie coś szybko opowiadać tym swoim wiecznie podszytym śmiechem głosem.

Mieszkałam wtedy w Bydgoszczy, ot, skromny pokoik (jeden z wielu wynajmowanych przez studentów) z dostępem do dużej łazienki oraz niewielkiej kuchni. Nasza gospodyni uwielbiała nadawać nam, młodziutkim kobietom, ksywki. Była więc wśród nas „Gwiazda”, „Anioł”, „Aktorzyca”, „Mała”, „Sarenka”. G. dostała miano „Matulki”. Dlaczego?

Masz dziewczyno w sobie tyle ciepła, że ogrzałabyś nim cały sierociniec!

Tak swój wybór uzasadniła nasza przemiła, starsza gospodyni. Zgadzałam się z nią – G. promieniowała wewnętrznym blaskiem. Nie była wiotką kobietką. Wysoka, z pokaźną, wypiętą pupą, okazałymi piersiami i jowialną, szeroką twarzą, na której królowały niezwykłej urody czarne oczy – ta dziewczyna zdecydowanie rzucała się w oczy. Miała aksamitny tembr głosu, który przynosił ulgę zmęczonym codziennym zgiełkiem miasta uszom.

„Matulka” była bardzo kochliwa. Przez okres kilku miesięcy, gdy dzieliłyśmy tę samą kuchnię i łazienkę, przez jej życie przewinęło się sporo chłopaków. W każdym była zakochana po uszy. Miłość była jej naturalnym żywiołem.

G.kosztowała życia bez skrupułów. Jej apetyt na uciechy ograniczał jedynie strach przed niechcianą ciążą. Którejś nocy, po wypiciu butelki wina, wydusiła z siebie:

Bo ja nie wiem, czy chcę w ogóle mieć dzieci!

Gdy z jej ust padły te słowa, oblała się szkarłatnym rumieńcem. Okazało się, że wstydzi się swoich wątpliwości dotyczących macierzyństwa. Była jedynaczką, jej wspaniali rodzice od zawsze powtarzali, że córka wypełni ich wielki, rodzinny dom gromadką dzieci.

Gdybym to powiedziała mamie, padłaby trupem!

G.dramatyzowała. Kilka lat później odważyła się i powiedziała rodzicom o swoich wątpliwościach. Nikt nie padł trupem.

– Znajdziesz tego właściwego, to ci się odmieni. Nie ty pierwsza, nie ostatnia tak masz.

Mama G. uznała, że nie ma się czym martwić na zapas.

 

Mijały lata. Straciłam kontakt z G. Nie sądziłam, że jeszcze kiedykolwiek usłyszę ten aksamitny głos. Kilka miesięcy temu G. napisała do mnie wiadomość. Bardzo się ucieszyłam.

Minęło kilkanaście lat od naszego ostatniego spotkania, ale jej oczy nie straciły nic ze swojej wyjątkowości. Tamtego popołudnia przegadałyśmy kilka godzin. Okazało się, że mama G. zmarła kilka lat wcześniej, ojciec – z wielkimi trudnościami – zaczynał układać swoje życie na nowo.

I wiesz, co? Sama zostałam matką! Wtedy, gdy mojej mamie powiedzieli, że ma góra kilka miesięcy życia powiedziałam sobie – raz kozie śmierć! Mama tak się ucieszyła, że miałam nadzieję, wiesz, że to coś zmieni, że stanie się cud, czy coś… A nawet nie zdążyła zobaczyć wnuka.

 

Jakiś czas później, w nocy, obudził mnie dźwięk komunikatora.

Możesz?

Pewnie, że mogłam. Nie odmawiam nocnych rozmów, bo te nigdy nie są kaprysem tylko potrzebą.

 

G.została matką tuż przed czterdziestym rokiem życia. Wnuk nie sprawił, że jej mama cudownie ozdrowiała. Życie G. uległo diametralnej zmianie. Swój czas dzieliła między małym dzieckiem, a zagubionym ojcem, który nie radził sobie z żałobą. Tak minęły jej ostatnie dwa lata życia.

Pamiętasz, jak się wstydziłam swoich wątpliwości?

Pamiętałam.

Teraz wstydzę się czegoś innego. Że byłam tak beznadziejnie głupia i je zignorowałam.

 

 

P.S. 1. Ta historia nie zakończy się żadną pointą. Zgodnie z życzeniem G. zakończyłam opowieść zdaniem, które przesłała mi tamtej nocy.
P.S. 2. Ostatnio poznałam trzydziestolatkę. Bawił mnie fakt, że otoczenie notorycznie rzucało w jej stronę teksty w stylu: „już czas na dziecko”. Mnie bawił, przypuszczam, że ją lekko irytował. Która kobieta nie słyszała ego typu „aluzji”, prawda? A przecież również w przypadku tych, które od „zawsze” wiedzą, że chcą mieć dzieci występują przeróżne czynniki, znaki zapytania, z którymi uporać musi się sama zainteresowana tematem rodzicielstwa. Innym nic do tego.
P.S. 3. Do G. – pamiętasz, jak kiedyś mnie pocieszałaś? Piłka jest cały czas w grze 🙂 W moim przypadku miałaś rację, więc… Ty wiesz co👌💪 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

935 thoughts on “Wstyd G.

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  11. Everybody enjoys traveling. Viewing and experiencing new stuff could be thrilling. All holidays and trips need to be prepared well. A traveler who is unprepared can deal with a great deal of troubles. If you wish many ways regarding how help make your next holiday more fun, please read on. When you are traveling by airplane, try to restrict yourself to one particular 20 lb bring-on bag. This way, you always know in which you luggage is. If you are visiting multiple locations within a trip, there’s nothing at all even worse than having your travel luggage chasing you all around as you go with out thoroughly clean underwear. Sterilize your location. You might get several sideways glances, however in the restricted area of a packed plane, you happen to be just requesting to get sick and tired. Take a little bottle of fingers sanitizer or some sanitizing wipes and clean off of your tray table, armrests and any control buttons, when you sit back. Make sure to also apply it to both hands and try not to feel the eyes, nose area or mouth. If you have to use a suit by using an immediately trip make sure it’s the right one. A wool fit will appear cleaner than a single made of every other fibers. Dangle it from the toilet when you arrive, turn the shower area on hot, and near the doorway let it vapor for some time and all the creases will fall out. It would seem just like new. When arranging a resort on the internet, don’t forget about to browse the web for discount voucher codes or promotions for this resort sequence. In case you are a AAA (American Vehicle Organization) member, don’t neglect to ask for the velocity, which most accommodations in North America have. There’s no reason to spend collection selling price for the accommodation, so research prices and ask for greater rates. Traveling with any sort of electronic devices implies that you constantly ought to charge power packs that you just would usually demand in your own home. One of the most hassle-free methods of achieving this while on the road is to find an inverter and connect it in your vehicle’s tobacco cigarette lighter. That method for you to make use of the very same chargers you normally use in your house. A great deal of folks discover pleasure in journey. But, not quite as numerous individuals like preparation trips, as it can certainly involve lots of stress. Make use of the suggestions you’ve read in this article to make vacationing less difficult.

  12. Getting together with all of the regulatory specifications, as well as keeping things operating while you are out, could make vacationing look like more trouble than it’s worth. This short article will present you with easy methods to simplify your upcoming getaway. Dress yourself in layers and you are certain to be ready for any climate. Weather could be unforeseen, particularly if you are checking out an not familiar position. By having several layers of clothing, you can add or get rid of items depending on the temperature. This is particularly useful for for hours on end activities which begin in the awesome day but heat later inside the working day. Always pack a map if you vacation, although you may possess a GPS process. Gps system systems usually are not usually dependable. Whether it were to breakdown or become damaged, you will be lost. A highlighter can be helpful at the same time, helping you to mark your chart for convenient reference point. Being a reward, your well-employed and designated up road map, tends to make an outstanding memento to keep in mind your vacation by. In your trip if you’re being at numerous lodges, there is no doubt it comes with an simple and easy affordable gift item you are able to give your friends as a memento. Gather each of the little trial samples such as hair shampoos, body washes, physique products and espresso packets that resorts hand out, put them in a basket and present them away as gifts to the close friends. It will make a fantastic present since it offers a preference of tradition from distinct resorts and is also affordable for you for producing a friendly gesture. When thinking about the things you are going to take on your vacation, think about what the climate will probably be like. You can check exactly how the weather conditions has been around in the location for the past week and also glance at the forecast. Just make sure you practice safeguards if possible, which means you won’t be trapped unawares, if the weather decides to improve. As mentioned at the start of this post, if you are intending to travel to a exotic vacation spot, snorkeling is an journey you don’t would like to neglect. Determine whether your hotel offers snorkeling, and what adventures can be purchased. Keep to the tips with this post and you are sure to make best use of your next snorkeling journey.

  13. Lots of people believe that the cheapest value quoted by an air carrier is the best selling price you will get, but which is definitely only true when you aren’t familiar with how links to several airports operate. This post offers you a number of tips on how to report the air travel you desire in the cheapest price. When traveling, you should be sure you pack only what you require. This tip is most appropriate to outings by air, as travel luggage fees tend to be higher now than they earlier have been. Most airports will sell nearly anything you might not have area for and major encircling cities need to also. When traveling, even during produced countries, usually assume both hands are toxified. Don’t set your hands and fingers inside your oral cavity and prevent consuming together with your hands and wrists. Odds are great you’ve enter into connection with countless men and women and a large number of areas, anyone of which might be hauling a health problem that you simply aren’t prepared for. When traveling by vehicle, make sure you bring along a handbag for rubbish. Even though you don’t consider getting dishes in your auto, the trash will build-up surprisingly easily. Getting the case ready will enable you to keep your car great and organized and make it easier to remove the garbage when you stop. Vacationing with groupings may be annoying understandably. Who would like to miss their trip simply because more than one an affiliate the group can’t be positioned. 1 solution is to create every person dress in the identical hue of colorful t-tshirts or maybe even visors that may be take off once you are within the air. When you are traveling with over one particular youngster, consider pre-packing every single child’s apparel in to a big fridge bag. These bags might be branded with each day time, so the children can easily get the clothes they’re going to put on. This stops them from needing to unpack the complete baggage in the morning, as well as minimizes the chance of products simply being neglected at home. Since you’ve armed on your own with a few insight and data, you’re willing to business inside a relaxed and educated method. Continue to be notify, and concurrently remember to experience the event of getting together with new men and women and adopting new civilizations. Attempt the following tips and you could feel safe and enjoy the getaway.

  14. Travelling can be a beloved activity of folks all across the globe. Studying new civilizations and achieving new experiences are only a pair points that you can take pleasure in when you vacation. These are typically some great recommendations to assist you with the traveling strategies. When you are traveling, if you must utilize a community computer for nearly anything, no matter if it’s to examine your electronic mail, your Facebook or myspace, or your banking accounts, ensure you log out! Don’t just close the browser such as you may do on your computer, be sure to click the sign out option. This will avoid other people from obtaining your information. Reduce money and calories throughout all of your journeys by packing snack foods, meals and drinks ahead of time. You can make more healthy options once you prepare beforehand, and you may be not as likely to spend too much on a sugar or extra fat packed snack foods that happen to be grossly overpriced. Well before departing on a trip, the smart traveler guarantees a minumum of one individual home is aware of in which he will be. This „residence foundation” make contact with also need to be current with any unplanned adjustments the traveler encounters on the way. Someone who knows wherein a tourist is – and in which they will be – can be quite a fantastic aid with regards to problems on the highway. Should you be vacationing with a companion but you will not generally reveal resources, think about developing a joints budget, for expenses like meals, travel and lodging. Your associate may add the equivalent amount of funds for the joints wallet on a daily basis. This way, you aren’t continuously splitting expenses or changing funds. With suggestions such as these, you need to be more excited than ever before to acquire out and discover the globe. You’ll widen your thoughts and raise understanding of the fantastic big entire world around us. Make some strategies using these ways to make the after that getaway superior to ever. Enjoy yourself and consider excellent photographs!

  15. When it’s time and energy to get away, regardless of whether for enterprise or delight, the experience of vacationing may be gratifying and entertaining. Try taking a little suggestions from those who strike the roadways and byways on a regular basis. Just a little preparation and forethought can greatly assist on the path to a pleasant journey. Use lots of plastic when packing. Placing your outfits, toiletries, and also other items in crystal clear plastic-type material luggage is definitely an intelligent way to load when you are traveling. Not only does it assist you to manage, furthermore, it keeps your belongings secure. In case the handbag must be in contact with the weather in the tarmac, the belongings in your travelling bag will continue to be free of moisture. In case you are traveling on a tight budget, utilize the in-room facilities to cook your own food. The coffee maker that is certainly typically offered in even most affordable hotel rooms can double as a hot plate. You can temperature basic h2o inside the carafe for ramen or soup, or take advantage of the hot platter alone to create bacon. When you are traveling, always be prepared to have points taken. Make move forward photocopies of all your crucial papers. You may even post electronic digital tests of such documents for convenient entry on a trip. Your local Us embassy can help you in contacting individuals at home that can cable you emergency cash or aid in swapping your passport, but not much different. Make sure you load up your vitamin supplements once you vacation and remember that vit c is a superb power and defense enhancer. Getting a vitamin supplement can assist you prevent or decrease the results of jet delay on the system, strengthen your immune system from the large number of bacteria you are going to enter in to connection with, and usually cause you to feel greater. Clear any health supplements together with your medical professional before taking them in case you have primary health concerns. In case you are travelling with other individuals verify and make certain they may have almost everything they want. Occasionally people you are flying with can help remind you of things you may well be forgetting to give. They may also offer you some tips of what to create as they too are probably contemplating what items to provide around the journey. In the event you set these guidelines in place, it is possible to stay away from so many of the concerns, anxieties, and sleepless times that come with planning a trip. Feel comfortable that you may be ready and equipped arrive departure time. There is absolutely no need to invest a whole lot time being concerned.

  16. Camping gives the chance to find your simple personal as well as reconnect with character. To visit outdoor camping it merely requires a wish to go to the particular outdoor camping floor. This article has a lot of camping out ideas. Keep reading for more info. Select your sleeping travelling bag with all the weather, time of year and location of your journey in your mind. When you bring sub-no resting totes along with you in the deceased of summer, you will likely sweating through the night. On the other side, take a slumbering handbag meant for summer camping outdoors will make you really cool on your winter months camping trip. You would probably actually be jeopardizing your safety and health. Avoid any wildlife you could enter in to experience of. Bears are becoming a relatively huge problem with outdoorsmen. In many parks they are proven to rip wide open the trunk area of the auto to get into meals. Raccoons can also be a large problem in a lot of campgrounds. Not only are they intelligent and may get access to your meal items very easily, nonetheless they can carry illness also. All those big, colourful plastic safe-keeping bins make outstanding places to save and organize all of your outdoor camping items. Although at home, ensure that it stays within a wardrobe or perhaps the garage and proper before leaving for your personal camping out trip, put it from the trunk area. It should continue to keep almost everything air-tight, dry and simply accessible. When collecting wooden for the campfire, give attention to three various sizes: the finger-dimension wooden, that will capture flame right away, the left arm-dimension wooden that may ensure that is stays going, as well as the lower body-dimensions wooden that will assist you to keep your blaze proceeding for many years. Receiving different sizes of wooden really helps to begin the fireplace whilst keeping it proceeding. Create a list of things you need to take before heading camping outdoors. You may be thinking you are efficient at preparing, but tiny in addition is a whole lot worse than becoming out during the woods and acknowledging you neglected your allergic reaction medicine. Sit back and create a complete set of almost everything you will need during the full week before your camping outdoors journey. Outdoor camping is really a hobby that is well-liked by a variety of folks, from your quite younger towards the really outdated. With some planning and know-how, it is possible to strategy a camping vacation that might be relaxing and unique for everybody. Ideally, the information in this piece have presented you what exactly you need.

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  18. Whether you’re organizing an unique journey or taking a spur from the second jaunt, occasionally, it’s the small details that could be the figuring out component how a lot you love your time and effort out and about. The information in the following paragraphs can help you plan the ideal retreat. Abandon all needless possessions in the home. You are taking the health risks of having every little thing stolen from you if you do bring valuable items along. Should you be visiting a location which has a liquid-restriction on all beverages you may be packing, purchase pub hair shampoos and teeth natural powder. Amazingly, you can actually locate bar hair shampoo and tooth paste offered in natural powder type on the web. These products are an easy way to get about liquid-constraints. When traveling in countries around the world with hazardous plain tap water, remember other ways that you could be revealed. Near the mouth area while using the shower area and remember to brush your tooth just with dealt with drinking water. If one makes herbal tea or caffeine with all the h2o, allow it to boil for a lot of minutes before steeping. Even a small exposure could make you very sick. Purchase a travel gown, which is actually a garment that may be used a number of approaches. It can be worn as a dress, skirt, t-shirt and place. Then you can pack a couple of other add-ons and related goods, which can save a lot of place in your luggage for the gifts you wish to deliver home. Acquire a few clothespins with you when you travel. It is an uncommon object to consider loading, nevertheless they are often quite helpful. If you’re taking a luxury cruise, be sure to bring a little time handbag along with you. You’ll discover that your travel luggage won’t be around immediately if you table the ship. So you’ll wish to have a bag having a go swimming suit, a magazine, an extra modify of clothes inside, and everything else you may need straight away. Regardless of where you need to go, preparation is likely to make your holiday all it can be. Make use of the guidance you’ve read through right here to get the most from your touring encounter.

  19. Regardless of whether this is basically the first-time camping out or maybe you happen to be camping given that you were actually a young child, camping outdoors keeps a particular area in everyone’s center. It’s an opportunity to break free to your less difficult time and have fun. Here are several beneficial camping out recommendations in order to help you accomplish that. An effective multiple-function tool should be component of your camping products. There are two sorts to give. Initially will be the noticed/hammer/axe 3-in-1 resource to use for fire wood and also other duties. Another is definitely the normal multiple-objective resource with various resources onto it similar to a can opener, tweezers, scissors, plus a knife. Reserve your spot in a camping site as soon as possible. Particularly in the summer time, lots of people are considering camping out making use of their family members. If you make your reservation in the wintertime, you might be much more likely for top level rate possible. Those savings can result in extra family entertaining while on your getaway. Consider to get to the campsite effectively well before nightfall. This allows you to get yourself a feel for the lay down from the property and provide you the chance to setup camp out while you may still see what you really are doing. Moreover, it enables your kids feel a little more confident with their area since they could have time and energy to investigate. If you package your camp site to visit residence, keep a couple of logs plus some kindling for the upcoming camping out group of people that comes coupled. In case you have possibly arrived at your site at night, you know how challenging it could be to get fire wood! It’s a really great pay out-it-ahead motion that can probably assist more than you can imagine. If you are looking at outdoor camping, and also you are a new comer to the activity, then you must not begin by yourself. It can be really harmful when you don’t know what you will be carrying out, so it is very important take along a skilled close friend that will help you learn the ropes. Camping outdoors can be a great deal more enjoyable and straightforward when you just understand what you’re undertaking, and hopefully you may have learned something here. Use the suggestions provided to you in this article and savor your following getaway.

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  21. Lots of people wish they knew how to achieve the finest time once they go camping. However there isn’t plenty of expertise on the net on how to enjoy yourself when you camp. Fortunate to suit your needs this is one of the couple of areas where one can understand how to get the most out of your camping experience. Do lots of analysis in your camping outdoors website and make sure that this offers precisely what your class will need. Think about the individual requirements of each camper to make sure that many people are looked after. This alleviates the desire to make offer works, or worst, must end the trip too quickly. Before you decide to head out on your own extended-awaited outdoor camping vacation, ensure that the location where you want to camp out doesn’t demand a camping outdoors make it possible for. Should you camp out in a place that does demand a single and you also didn’t acquire one, then you might be experiencing a good significant solution or fine from a neighborhood forest ranger. When moving outdoor camping, make certain you bring the right resting bag with you. Some slumbering bags will not make you stay cozy once the temperatures dips beneath 40 levels, while some can have you perspiration through the night extended since they are also very hot. The tag around the travelling bag normally will show you what types of conditions are suitable for each and every getting to sleep travelling bag. Make the little ones a „forest breakfast time”. Use serving sized boxes of breakfast cereal, components of fruit and juice containers and tie up those to shrubs close to your campsite. When your young ones rise up, let them look for their meals. This is a fun approach to start the day and something for the children to look forward to every morning. As you can see, you should keep basic advice and tips at heart for the camping outdoors journey. Outdoor camping is entertaining and easy, however it is constantly essential to be ready. The details shared in this article should make you quite well to have a excellent trip which will be remarkable a long time after the trip has finished!

  22. Foregoing a 5 various-legend hotel for the traditional entertainment of camping outdoors can make for the amazing holiday for the family members, your SO or all by yourself! Explore the tips and tricks in this article that enables you to make the absolute the majority of your camping getaway! When packing for your personal camping outdoors vacation, make sure you package possibly a set of flip flops or h2o footwear. These will be useful in and round the camping site. As an illustration, if you are staying in a campground which has bathroom amenities and you intend on showering, you should put on footwear inside the shower to guard the feet from foot fungi. A Frisbee provides superb assistance beneath document dishes, and will avoid the typical camping spillage and declines! Grab as a lot of them when you have all around your house or lawn, or get several in your local dollar-sort retailer. They quickly stack for easy, place-saving packing and therefore are tremendously useful with very little one’s meals. Keep the requirements of your household in your mind before selecting a vacation spot. For example, if you have a new baby or toddler, it can be wise to stick near to property in the event issues don’t go as organized. In case you have teens, however, you might take pleasure in vacationing to another condition. Opt for what is right for you! Know what is available in the area all around your campsite. You can find blessed and have stunning weather conditions the entire time. However, you may even deal with inclement weather, also. Use a back-up strategy in case you want a diversion. This can be specifically crucial if you have youngsters, but grownups need a little amusement as well! If you are interested in camping, and also you are unfamiliar with the activity, then you definitely must not start off by yourself. It can be quite harmful should you don’t know what you really are doing, so it is essential to take along a highly skilled buddy to assist you find out the ropes. So long as you plan things out properly and know what is going on, you may have entertaining camping outdoors. One can learn quite a lot about you when camping. Take the guidance in this post and then use it like a guide for having a fun camping outdoors trip.

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  42. Camping is undoubtedly an action that could be enjoyed through the complete household. Whether or not you’re getting a family members journey, or heading out for the backwoods with a few good friends, camping out can connection you to your family like hardly anything else. Nonetheless, there are several things to consider well before venturing out on your own after that camping outdoors trip. If you are planning any type of backcountry camping, essential have item is a flame basic starter kit. Should you be in a emergency scenario, blaze is ways to make, help keep you hot, cleanse drinking water, and transmission for support. Several outdoor camping stores offer blaze newbies that you can use when drenched and you should not require any fuel. Also, try out creating blaze while you are not in a success scenario therefore you know you can accomplish it in the event the need to have develops. If you are intending over a camping outdoors venture, be sure to have plenty of time to set up camping prior to darker. It might be extremely difficult to put together camping at nighttime as well as hazardous. You need to be able to search the ground, prepare home bedding, and maybe build some temporary shelter prior to the sunshine going down. A big worry with a lot of people that go camping out will be the insects. Usually do not find yourself in trouble in the center of thin air without the need of some form of bug repellant. Look at the environment well before creating camp out for any wasp nests or ant hillsides that may lead to difficulties. Put on very long jeans and lengthy-sleeved whenever you can and check out on your own for ticks occasionally. A huge issue with many different people that go camping out is definitely the bugs. Will not get stuck during no place without having some form of bug repellant. Examine your setting just before putting together camping for almost any wasp nests or ant hills that could lead to problems. Use lengthy trousers and lengthy-sleeved anytime you can and check out yourself for ticks from time to time. Camping indicates yourself and your family and buddies will get a little while each in the open air and from the present day world, with all of its stress, hectic rate and technology. Once you remember all the tips from this post, it is possible to rest with your tent in tranquility, knowing your entire bases are included.

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