Wasze historie

Wstyd G.

Marzena

 

 

Moja znajoma nie wiedziała, czy chce zostać w przyszłości matką. Poznałam ją jako wesołą dwudziestolatkę, studentkę, dziewczynę pełną ognia i kapitalnego poczucia humoru. Gdy wchodziła do pomieszczenia robiło się w nim jakby jaśniej i każdy czekał, aż G. zacznie coś szybko opowiadać tym swoim wiecznie podszytym śmiechem głosem.

Mieszkałam wtedy w Bydgoszczy, ot, skromny pokoik (jeden z wielu wynajmowanych przez studentów) z dostępem do dużej łazienki oraz niewielkiej kuchni. Nasza gospodyni uwielbiała nadawać nam, młodziutkim kobietom, ksywki. Była więc wśród nas „Gwiazda”, „Anioł”, „Aktorzyca”, „Mała”, „Sarenka”. G. dostała miano „Matulki”. Dlaczego?

– Masz dziewczyno w sobie tyle ciepła, że ogrzałabyś nim cały sierociniec!

Tak swój wybór uzasadniła nasza przemiła, starsza gospodyni. Zgadzałam się z nią – G. promieniowała wewnętrznym blaskiem. Nie była wiotką kobietką. Wysoka, z pokaźną, wypiętą pupą, okazałymi piersiami i jowialną, szeroką twarzą, na której królowały niezwykłej urody czarne oczy – ta dziewczyna zdecydowanie rzucała się w oczy. Miała aksamitny tembr głosu, który przynosił ulgę zmęczonym codziennym zgiełkiem miasta uszom.

„Matulka” była bardzo kochliwa. Przez okres kilku miesięcy, gdy dzieliłyśmy tę samą kuchnię i łazienkę, przez jej życie przewinęło się sporo chłopaków. W każdym była zakochana po uszy. Miłość była jej naturalnym żywiołem.

G.kosztowała życia bez skrupułów. Jej apetyt na uciechy ograniczał jedynie strach przed niechcianą ciążą. Którejś nocy, po wypiciu butelki wina, wydusiła z siebie:

– Bo ja nie wiem, czy chcę w ogóle mieć dzieci!

Gdy z jej ust padły te słowa, oblała się szkarłatnym rumieńcem. Okazało się, że wstydzi się swoich wątpliwości dotyczących macierzyństwa. Była jedynaczką, jej wspaniali rodzice od zawsze powtarzali, że córka wypełni ich wielki, rodzinny dom gromadką dzieci.

– Gdybym to powiedziała mamie, padłaby trupem!

G.dramatyzowała. Kilka lat później odważyła się i powiedziała rodzicom o swoich wątpliwościach. Nikt nie padł trupem.

– Znajdziesz tego właściwego, to ci się odmieni. Nie ty pierwsza, nie ostatnia tak masz.

Mama G. uznała, że nie ma się czym martwić na zapas.

 

Mijały lata. Straciłam kontakt z G. Nie sądziłam, że jeszcze kiedykolwiek usłyszę ten aksamitny głos. Kilka miesięcy temu G. napisała do mnie wiadomość. Bardzo się ucieszyłam.

Minęło kilkanaście lat od naszego ostatniego spotkania, ale jej oczy nie straciły nic ze swojej wyjątkowości. Tamtego popołudnia przegadałyśmy kilka godzin. Okazało się, że mama G. zmarła kilka lat wcześniej, ojciec – z wielkimi trudnościami – zaczynał układać swoje życie na nowo.

– I wiesz, co? Sama zostałam matką! Wtedy, gdy mojej mamie powiedzieli, że ma góra kilka miesięcy życia powiedziałam sobie – raz kozie śmierć! Mama tak się ucieszyła, że miałam nadzieję, wiesz, że to coś zmieni, że stanie się cud, czy coś… A nawet nie zdążyła zobaczyć wnuka.

 

Jakiś czas później, w nocy, obudził mnie dźwięk komunikatora.

– Możesz?

Pewnie, że mogłam. Nie odmawiam nocnych rozmów, bo te nigdy nie są kaprysem tylko potrzebą.

 

G.została matką tuż przed czterdziestym rokiem życia. Wnuk nie sprawił, że jej mama cudownie ozdrowiała. Życie G. uległo diametralnej zmianie. Swój czas dzieliła między małym dzieckiem, a zagubionym ojcem, który nie radził sobie z żałobą. Tak minęły jej ostatnie dwa lata życia.

– Pamiętasz, jak się wstydziłam swoich wątpliwości?

Pamiętałam.

– Teraz wstydzę się czegoś innego. Że byłam tak beznadziejnie głupia i je zignorowałam.

 

 

P.S. 1. Ta historia nie zakończy się żadną pointą. Zgodnie z życzeniem G. zakończyłam opowieść zdaniem, które przesłała mi tamtej nocy.
P.S. 2. Ostatnio poznałam trzydziestolatkę. Bawił mnie fakt, że otoczenie notorycznie rzucało w jej stronę teksty w stylu: „już czas na dziecko”. Mnie bawił, przypuszczam, że ją lekko irytował. Która kobieta nie słyszała ego typu „aluzji”, prawda? A przecież również w przypadku tych, które od „zawsze” wiedzą, że chcą mieć dzieci występują przeróżne czynniki, znaki zapytania, z którymi uporać musi się sama zainteresowana tematem rodzicielstwa. Innym nic do tego.
P.S. 3. Do G. – pamiętasz, jak kiedyś mnie pocieszałaś? Piłka jest cały czas w grze 🙂 W moim przypadku miałaś rację, więc… Ty wiesz co👌💪 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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