Dyspensa od bycia dzielnym  

 

 – Jak ci minął dzień?

 W odpowiedzi popłynęły kaskady łez, moich łez. Nie potrafię być silną każdego dnia. Czasami, gdy dzień rozpoczynam atakiem zmasowanego bólu, wymiękam. To wtedy do głosu dochodzą przeróżne „strachy”. Każdy z nas ma swoje – duże i małe – lęki, prawda? Moje są stosunkowo dobrze ułożonymi strachami, nie wychylają zbyt często nosa z zamknięcia. Niestety, gdy pęka pięknie wypracowana fasada dzielności, lęki nie mają nade mną litości. Wtedy tak bardzo trudno się przed nimi obronić…  Za dużo wrogów we własnym ciele, za dużo frontów wojennych, na których walczę tylko ja, Marzena.

 

Żyjemy, ogarniamy nasze rodziny, prace, pasje. Często zmęczenie sprawia, że sen nie chce przyjść, a następnego dnia każdy z nas musi wstać i żyć. Znacie to, prawda? Codzienność jest bezlitosna. Nie jesteśmy odpowiedzialni tylko za siebie, co akurat jest dobre. Najbardziej heroicznych czynów dokonywałam dla innych. Dla siebie nie potrafiłabym, brakłoby mi sił, szczególnie tych psychicznych. To dla naszych bliskich potrafimy wstać rano z łóżka po podłej nocy. To dla nich zakładamy uśmiech na twarz i mówimy: „będzie dobrze”, chociaż wiemy, że czeka nas marny dzień najeżony milionami przeszkód.

 

Żyjemy, chociaż często nie jest to zwykłe trwanie, tylko – uczciwie nazywając egzystencję wielu z nas – walka.

Chowamy lęki, żeby nie podkładały nam nóg, gdy twardo idziemy do przodu. Nawet, gdy ten nasz marsz bardziej przypomina czołganie, nie cofamy się. Jesteśmy wszyscy tak cholernie dzielni!

 

Mówi się, że stanie w miejscu, to najlepsza droga do cofania się. Kołczingowe brednie! Każdemu należy się luksus postoju. Ot, choćby po to, żeby dobrze rozejrzeć się po krajobrazie swojego życia – po tych rozległych przestrzeniach, które mamy już za sobą, ale również okolicy, w której właśnie teraz się znajdujemy. Dzięki temu możemy wybrać najbardziej optymalną drogę ku przyszłości oraz sposób na jej pokonanie.

 

Stanie w miejscu nie jest cofaniem się, nie dajcie sobie tego wmówić. To czas, gdy możecie złapać głębszy oddech, a nawet – gdy zechcecie – w spokoju rozprawić się z własnymi lękami, które w codziennym biegu notorycznie „depczą wam po piętach”. A jak już tak sobie staniecie, to …wiecie co? To usiądźcie sobie wreszcie wygodnie. Tak. Należy wam się ten czas bez miliona planów do zrealizowania. Pobądźcie dla siebie samych. Bez wyrzutów sumienia. Dyspensa od bycia dzielnym pomaga zachować zdrowe zmysły. Spróbujcie – przez jakiś czas – nie dopuszczać do głosu strachu przed rzekomo straszliwymi, wyimaginowanymi konsekwencjami niezrealizowania super ważnych spraw „na wczoraj”. Po prostu bądźcie tu i teraz, sami lub z kimś. Tak jak zechcecie, jak potrzebujecie. Odpuśćcie sobie wszystkie „wojny” toczące się w waszych głowach.

 

 

Jak ci minął dzień?

 

Moje łzy wystarczają za tysiące słów. Tak jak ciepło bezpiecznych ramion pocieszyciela. Tak, dzisiaj nie będę dzielną Marzeną. Dezerteruję z „okopów frontów wojennych” zbudowanych w mojej głowie. Kubek gorącej herbaty, pyszna czekolada i serial HBO, który czeka na mnie od kilku miesięcy, kiedy to zajmowały mnie sprawy „ważne na wczoraj”. Jutro będzie lepiej. A jak nie, to… Dam sobie dyspensę od bycia dzielną Marzeną. Słabość nie oznacza końca. To często początek – czas i przestrzeń potrzebna do narodzin nowych sił.

 

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