Lata szkoły średniej, to był dla mnie ważny czas. Nie ze względu na naukę, czy kontakt z nauczycielami, którzy – w większości – nie potrafili dotrzeć do młodych, emocjonalnych umysłów i serc. Ludzie ci bezrefleksyjnie stawiali się na cokole „nauczycielskiej wyższości”, co zwiększało dystans między nimi – „profesorami”, a nami – uczniami. Brak choćby nikłego zrozumienia naszej „młodzieńczej beztroski”, potępianie indywidualizmu, ciągłe próby ujednolicenia tak różnorodnych charakterów, odmiennych zainteresowań i pragnień zamykał drogę do jakiegokolwiek wzajemnego zrozumienia. Niechęć – to słowo, które najlepiej oddaje mój stosunek do większości ludzi, którzy wtedy kazali się szumnie tytułować „profesorami”. A wystarczyło tylko nas, młodych, uczących się nie tylko podstawy programowej, ale i własnej emocjonalności, własnych granic, granic drugiego człowieka – słuchać. Najprostsze rozwiązania tak często są pomijane, prawda?
Kilka dni temu odezwała się do mnie koleżanka z czasów szkoły średniej. Bez trudu rozpoznałam ją na zdjęciu przesłanym przez komunikator. Ciągle miała w swoich subtelnych rysach twarzy delikatność młodziutkiej, nieśmiałej Marii* sprzed dwóch dekad. Nie widziałam jej kilkanaście lat, często zastanawiałam się, jak ułożyło się życie tej delikatnej kobiety.
Były nas cztery. Każda inna, a jednocześnie – w swojej „pierwszej młodości” – taka sama. Żywiołowa, kochliwa Ola*, która nie potrafiła wygarnąć wprost tego, co jej „leżało na wątrobie”, konkretna, pogodna, życzliwa, otwarta Kasia, nieśmiała, delikatna Maria* i ja, Marzena, żyjąca książkami, psami, jeziorem i marzeniami. Gdy zaczynałyśmy naukę w liceum byłyśmy jeszcze dzieciakami. Miałyśmy mnóstwo obaw, jeszcze więcej ciekawości i oceany marzeń. Każda z nas pochodziła z zupełnie różnych środowisk, miała inne zainteresowania, plany, jednak integrowała nas młodość połączona z nienasyconym głodem życia.
Pojawiłam się wśród opisanych powyżej dziewczyn przez przypadek. Decyzją kierownika internatu (mieszczącego się w przepięknym, starym pałacu) przydzielono mnie do dużego, pięcioosobowego pokoju na poddaszu. Ola i Kasia znały się już ze szkoły podstawowej. Nieśmiała Maria dołączyła do nich zaraz na początku roku szkolnego. Do dzisiaj pamiętam to wstrętne uczucie wyobcowania, które towarzyszyło mi przez kilka kolejnych tygodni. Nie potrafiłam i nie chciałam bezrefleksyjnego przyłączenia do grupy. Gdy jest się bardzo młodym, dwa miesiące to szmat czasu, dlatego dziewczyny były już ze sobą dosyć dobrze zżyte, gdy ja anektowałam jedno z pustych łóżek i kawałek szafy w ich pokoju. Traktowały mnie z dużą dozą ostrożności, a ja odpłacałam im wyczuwalnym dystansem, emocjonalnym i fizycznym.
Chłód, jaki sobie narzuciłam, zaczął znikać w zwykłe, grudniowe popołudnie. Weszłam do stołówki, która zlokalizowana była w piwnicach internatu. Wszystkie krzesła były już zajęte, więc przez dłuższą chwilę stałam na schodach zastanawiając się nad powrotem do pokoju. W tym obcym miejscu co chwilę musiałam walczyć z wielką ochotą schowania się w przysłowiową „mysią dziurę”. To wtedy usłyszałam:
– Marzena! Tutaj, mam miejsce dla ciebie!
To był głos Kasi. Niskiej, drobnej dziewczyny o przepięknych, zielonych oczach oraz skłonnych do ciągłego uśmiechu ustach. Wtedy pierwszy raz poczułam, że – być może – i ja mogę przynależeć do jakiejś grupy. Słowa Kasi, których pewnie nawet nie pamięta, (okraszone energicznym pomachaniem w moją stronę wyciągniętą dłonią), okazały się prorocze. Miała dla mnie miejsce nie tylko przy stole w stołówce, ale przede wszystkim w swoim dobrym sercu.
W ciągu kilku kolejnych tygodni powoli stawałam się integralną częścią grupy. Przez cztery lata nauki w liceum przeżywałyśmy wiele bezdennie głupich, jak i epicko mądrych przygód. Często uciekałam w swój wewnętrzny świat (co zostało mi do dzisiaj), jednak zawsze wiedziałam, że mam do kogo z niego wrócić. Dorastanie młodych kobiet to ciekawy, nieprzewidywalny i bardzo niestabilny emocjonalnie proces. Czasami się kłóciłyśmy, by potem pięknie się godzić – z własnej woli lub sprytnej intrygi tych, które akurat nie były zamieszane w dany spór. Niektóre z nas były szczególnie kochliwe. Inne zakochiwały się i cierpiały w imię młodej miłości w milczeniu. Nigdy nie pokłóciłyśmy się o żadnego chłopaka.
Ostatnie tygodnie życia w internacie obfitowały w smutek i łzy. Musiałyśmy się rozstać. Nadszedł czas, gdy każda z nas miała zmierzyć się z dorosłością w pojedynkę. Miesiące kończące liceum minęły błyskawicznie. To wtedy przysunęłyśmy z Kasią nasze łóżka do siebie, żeby móc zasypiać trzymając się za dłonie.
Dzień rozstania był bardzo, bardzo smutny. Czułam autentyczną rozpacz. Dla mnie to nie było rozstanie tylko z dziewczynami, ale i beztroską czasu przedłużonego dzieciństwa. Każdy, kto pamięta tamte czasy, wie, jak bardzo była to trudna sytuacja dla młodych osób wkraczających w dorosłość. Zdobycie dobrej pracy graniczyło z cudem. Wiedziałam, że przede mną rysują się lata ciężkiej walki o lepsze jutro. W przeciwieństwie do większości absolwentek i absolwentów mojego „ogólniaka” nie czekały na mnie wymarzone studia. Wiedziałam, że plany odnośnie dalszego kształcenia zrealizuję tylko wtedy, gdy na nie zapracuję. W przyszłości dla mnie również miało „zaświecić słońce” – studia, jak i „miłość życia” czekały na mnie za jednym z wielu życiowych zakrętów, jednak wtedy – w ten przepłakany dzień – nie miałam o tym pojęcia.
Od ukończenia „ogólniaka” minęło już ponad dwadzieścia lat. Świat, który noszę w swojej głowie, potrzeba przestrzeni (a nawet samotności) powoduje, że nie jestem łatwa do kochania. Ulegając swojej naturze pustelnika, myśliciela, nagle znikam, po czym równie nieprzewidywalnie pojawiam się ponownie w czyimś życiu – bez uprzedzenia, pod wpływem impulsu, nagłej, silnej tęsknoty (wyjątkiem potwierdzającym tę regułę jest relacja z Mężczyzną). Mimo to Kasia nigdy nie zrezygnowała ze mnie. Ta znajomość nie jest mierzona czasem linearnym tylko cyklicznym, co doskonale wpływa na homeostazę naszych relacji. Mam nadzieję, że ona wie o tym, że zawsze ale to zawsze, może na mnie liczyć. Nawet wtedy, gdy znikam dla całego świata.
Jak wspomniałam na początku wpisu, kilka dni temu odezwała się do mnie delikatna Maria. Jest w trakcie „sprzątania” swojego życia, więc tym bardziej cieszę się, że mogę ją wspierać (chociaż mentalnie, na odległość) w takim trudnym, wyczerpującym ją psychicznie, czasie. Nie rozumiem człowieka, który z uporem godnym maniaka prześladuje tę wrażliwą, organicznie pozbawioną celowej agresji oraz złej woli, kobietę. Najdłużej nie widziałam skrytej, ale jednocześnie kochliwej i umiejącej „pójść na żywioł”, Oli. Ciekawe, czy wciąż każdą wypowiedź kończy perlistym, zalotnym śmiechem? Czy życie wzmocniło jej naturalną żywiołowość, czy też ją przygasiło? Już niedługo się o tym przekonam 🙂
Od dnia, w którym wszystkie cztery wylałyśmy litry łez minęły prawie dwadzieścia trzy lata. Ciągle czuję się tą młodą dziewczyną, którą trawi ciekawość świata. Co jakiś czas muszę stanąć nad taflą morza, żeby móc zaczerpnąć życiodajny oddech. Tak jak kiedyś potrzebuję przestrzeni, żeby być szczęśliwą. Tej fizycznej, jak i psychicznej. Pamiętam, jak źle znosiłam bariery sztywnych reguł w liceum, jak bardzo dusiły one mój młodzieńczy zapał. „Młoda, durna i chmurna” chciałam czegoś więcej, niż wykucia na pamięć tekstów w stylu: „Słowacki wielkim poetą był”. Książki nigdy nie były dla mnie nudnymi lekturami, tylko wielkimi przygodami, a nauczyciele – cóż, w większości bardziej przypominali martwe monolity, niż żywych, czujących ludzi.
Mimo licznych minusów czas spędzony w szkole średniej zaowocował kilkoma cennymi „podarunkami”. Należały do nich „otwarte głowy” paru nauczycieli, którzy przyjmowali mnie taką, jaką byłam. Jestem im za to niezmiennie bardzo wdzięczna**. To w tamtych latach niemal do perfekcji opanowałam asertywność – bardzo przydatną życiowo cechę. Doszło do tego w wyniku walki o swoje „tu i teraz” z wychowawczynią, która nigdy nie kryła wobec mnie silnej antypatii (zbudowanej na braku zrozumienia dla natury samotnika). Jednak bezdyskusyjnie najważniejszym darem tamtych lat była możliwość dorastania z trzema cudownymi, tak bardzo różnorodnymi, kobietami.
Kasia, Maria, Ola i Marzena – były nas cztery. Cztery głodne życia dusze, które połączyło kilkanaście metrów kwadratowych internatowego pokoju i zawiły proces dorastania. Udało nam się – jesteśmy teraz wszystkie tak ładnie dorosłe, tak pięknie poukładane. Jednak kiedy rozmawiam z Kasią, gdy wymieniam dziesiątki wiadomości z Marią odnoszę wrażenie, że – na szczęście – gdzieś w środku każdej z nas wciąż jeszcze pali się „zielony ogień” z naszej pierwszej młodości. Dopóki tak jest, wszystko może się zdarzyć – wszystko, o czym każda z nas marzyła, marzy i będzie marzyć. Jestem tego pewna.
*Imiona moich współlokatorek z internatu zostały zmienione. Wszystkie oprócz Kasi.
** Tych kilku wyjątkowych ludzi zasługuje na osobny wpis. Ich akceptacja działała niezwykle kojąco na moje nadwątlone, nastoletnie poczucie własnej wartości.
Zdjęcie budynku, w którym mieścił się internat, pobrałam ze strony: palaclubraniec.pl. Przedstawia ono tył pałacu, za którym ciągnęły się liczne schody prowadzące nad „taflę” (takiego określenia używaliśmy my, młodzi mieszkańcy internatu), czyli jeden z trzech stawów leżących w kompleksie parkowym.
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